(cont.) Theatre/Dramatic Arts (which is ultimately useless, seeing as it's all about who you know), I decided to pursue a "career" in southern California. I have been in various improv groups, musicals, regular plays, and performed private concerts in my shower. This is how I roll.

Fictionalized: I grew up in Jim Carrey's house. Granted, it was a colorful experience with lots of colorful language and situations, none of which I'm legally allowed to divulge. However, it instilled in me a great desire for comedy. One day, while ice-fishing on a frozen pond, I fell into the icy waters. Jim Carrey, then known as James, put my life before his and dove in to save me. I owe my life to him. And my comedy stylings.

· INFLUENCES:  Truth: Jim Carrey, Jesus Christ,

my mother.

Lie: Buddha, Tony Robbins, my landlord.

· FAVORITE "Maury" EPISODE: This is all truth: I wish Maury was dead in a gutter somewhere. I think even Connie Chung would be happy with that.

· WHO'S YOUR SUPER-SECRET CRUSH?  If I shared that information here, it would no longer be "super" or "secret", but I would end up being "crushed".

· FINAL THOUGHTS:  This has been a wonderful opportunity for you to see why I require heavy medication and professional supervision 24 hours a day. Thanks for reading. I look forward to meeting you.

· FULL NAME:   Jason Michael Hammond  (aka: Liza Minnelli, Burt Lancaster, Andrew D. Carey, Eugene Detroit, and J-Money)

· DOB:  Actual: September 18, 1979; Fictionalized: September 18, 1984

· EXPLAIN YOURSELF! To explain myself would spoil the surprise which you yourself are in store for. I'll leave you with this morsel. I was bread from the upper crust of society. My mother was Danish, my father was French

· COMEDY EXPERIENCE: Truth: Jim Carrey saved my life. Not literally, but figuratively. From him I learned everything I know. After earning a degree in

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